Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Emotional Suicide

I am punished, all my life I tried to love, when others were not ready to love me. All my my life I tried to believe when others did not believe. All my life I tried to help when others needed help, All my life I tried to give when others only wanted to receive. I took every experience in my life in slow observation. I tried to understand these experiences and why they make me feel the way I am, I live these experiences as they shaped me into the person that I am. I always knew there were somebody in this universe for me whether they were on this planet, elsewhere or in a spiritual realm. I searched the spiritual realm. I dove deep within my mind spending motionless hours in meditation looking inside myself for all the answers I did not find in life. I took a trip down the rabbit hole only to open my heart which I had shutdown after years of self torture only to find an energy that was pure and packed with explosive power. I said to myself this was my guardian angel, this is what my life planning was about. This is what I had longed for since a child, to be a part of complete fulfilled love, to be held and never let go, to be understood and not shame for my past actions. For my actions only matter to the one that I truly love from the present moment to the future. I should not be balled and chain for my past. I have serve a painful sentence in life when I did no wrong to begin. Things where not great I suffered pain, therefore I tried to become a even better person, when everyone one around me stayed the same. And now fingers point at me for having a split personality, because it is not possible for a person like me to exist. The more real I become, the more unreal things become. I shut myself down once and for all not seeing nor believing in anything, for now I am Shidoshi.(Japanese word for warriors who become dead to the world). My angel I am ready to accept all of you completely, family, children and husband. I must be insane, something must be wrong with me I must have a split personality, you are right cause who in the world could love so much to bear so much pain entering such an emotional suicide. You rescued me, you baptized me in love, you gave me hope, restored faith and slained me. The last thing I wanted to do was to tarnish my image of trueness in front of you, in which I have yet to do, but unknown forces have swayed you from me. Dark forces have blinded you of me, dark spirits put doubt and fear in your heart. I can never ever repair those thought in you neither through lobotomy or heart transplant. You will carry these thoughts forever. There is nothing I can do at this moment but shed my tears to the world, nothing left to purge this sorrow daily in hope that someone knows that a genuine heart had walk this planet, maybe for some it would be inspirational and for others to have hope and live a virtuous life so when that true love comes your way all your debts in life are paid and the riches of love will fill their hearts. My angel I can barely see as I type these words since my eyes are swollen in flooded tears as I blogged my pain and love. I will never allow myself to feel this way again. I swear it. I can not breathe anymore cause you were my air. I can not feel anymore cause you were my senses. It is better to have love and lost then not to love at all. I must appreciate the loving experiences that I had with you for now all they are is just fractured memories and broken dreams. I not only woke up in tears when I was by your side loving you, but now I wake up in tears everyday hurting of you. Until the next lifetime my love meet me by the fountain of light. I will be there in a puddle of tears waiting for your return to me. My mission in life is done. I am not here to be love but only to spread love, hope and faith to help others believe in the impossible and have faith in the darkness.

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